来源: U148 原始链接: http://www.u148.net:80/article/23639.html 存档链接: https://web.archive.org/web/20110224044858/http://www.u148.net:80/article/23639.html 存档时间: 2011-02-24 04:48:58

终于找到组织了，胖子的洛奇时代给大家讲笑话，跟风介绍一下FML，hoho，有的是原创，有的是翻译，有的是网友自己写的，还有的是我转载的。总之，希望您忍不住英俊的笑了：）

注：是f××k my life的简称，也就是我们常说的“卧槽”，每件××事后面都跟着它的简称FML。
《FML中文网精选第一辑》

FML1
今天，在公交车上看见一男的用下半身顶一个身材娇小长发美女，充当回英雄去解救，结果那个美女转回身，居然是个男的！他不 满我的行为，很显然，他是个玻璃。我很尴尬，不过更尴尬的是那个公车色狼，他吐了。FML

FML2
今 天，半夜总能听到隔壁传来一阵阵的叫床声，痛苦不堪，白天时候和朋友们诉苦，他们都说你丫真是身在福中不知福，免费听黄片还这么多怨言，我只好无奈的告诉 他们。。。隔壁的叫床声是两个男的…… FML

FML3
今天，我在一家酒吧的小便池尿尿，一个醉汉进来 了，因为没有小便池了，他便从后面朝我两腿间尿尿。他还对不准。FML

FML4
今天，在酒吧灌了几杯啤 酒，然后很NB的给了泊车的小弟$2小费，走的时候发现丫笑的很谄媚。回家以后才发现钱包里少了一张100的，靠。FML

FML5
今天，我穿着男友买给我的新款用以去了家庭泳池趴替。结果这个SB买给我的是恶搞产品——三分钟后自动在水中溶解。FML

FML6
今天，我在和我的男友视频OOXX。试着做到尽量性感，我开始吮吸自己的手指。从我男友的表情上来看他感 觉很爽。就在我也开始很投入的时候，我把手指头捅嘴里太深了，结果在我的本本上吐得到处都是 FML

FML7
今天，我在我想去的那间酒吧的外面看到了一个非常有吸引力的男人。我们聊了聊天，最后在我的公寓OOXX了。第二天我把他开车送走的时候，我才发现 他是和流浪汉，当时是在酒吧外面乞讨。我家的面包和奶酪突然都没了。FML

FML8
今天，我觉得如果我 趁我的室友熟睡的时候向他嘴里放个屁一定很有趣。我走向了他，脱掉了睡裤就来了一下。我有点吃惊地发现那屁感觉特别水，然后就没控制住，拉到他脸上了。他 醒了过来，把我一直打到吐血。FML

FML9
今天，我去游泳了。当我从非常拥挤的泳池里钻出来时，一个 小女孩跑过来指着我大喊：“妈咪，我长大了以后，也想要大大的波波。”我今年16。我是个男的。FML

FML10
今天，我在看一部动物行为的电影。突然间，镜头变成了两只蜗牛OOXX。我看硬了。FML

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML
今天，花了很大功夫教一个两岁的小盆友用 尿盆，结果他就是学不会，我灵机一动觉得亲身示范一定效果不错。一开始果然很顺利，直到我忽然发现自己这次嘘嘘时间有点长，小尿盆——满了。FML

Today, I wore the new bathing suit my boyfriend got me for my birthday to a family reunion pool party. Turns out, it was a gag gift that dissolves after 3 minutes in water. FML
今天，我穿着男友买给我的新款用以去了家庭泳池趴替。结果 这个SB买给我的是恶搞产品——三分钟后自动在水中溶解。FML

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at the mall, kissing another man. His partner got up and went to the bathroom, so I went up to my ex. I told him I didn’t know he was gay, and he just smiled politely. Then his partner came out and I recognized him as my current boyfriend. FML
今天，在超市里看到我的EX亲了另一个男人一口，我一阵反胃，趁那男人上厕所的时候走过去问：老娘以前怎么不知道你是搞玻璃的。他笑而不语，这时候之前那 个男人回来了，TMD居然是我现任bf。FML

Today, my boss was handing me a list of phone numbers to call people and terminate them from their jobs here at the company. My phone was on that list. I don’t know what’s worse, not realizing it was my number until I heard my voicemail or getting terminated from my job. FML
今天，老板给了我一张电话列表让我打电话给那些人告诉他们给开除了。我并没有意识到什么问题，直到我的电话响起，然后听到我自己对自己说“你给开除了” （电话留言？），我才知道我的电话也在表上。

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy’s balls." FML
我六岁大的女儿不知何故似乎了解很多关于性的东西。在 一次学校举行的家庭招待会上，她遇见了她的新老师。当那位可爱的新老师问她从哪里来的时候，我六岁大的女儿很淡定地回答：从老爸的XX来的……FML

Today, I found out my Mom had taken out a loan on my car, from the repo man taking my car. FML
今天，我才发现老妈用我的车作为抵押申请了一笔贷款，所以， 一个债务回收人员（repo=repurchase agreement？）过来拿走了我的车……FML

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I’ve been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I’m allergic to sweat. I’m a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML
由于我腋下，膝盖后面，有时候甚至是脸上出现皮疹，所以今天去了医院一趟。得出的结果是：我对汗液过敏！我是 一个橄榄球教练，一个体育老师，而且我刚刚花了一大笔钱在家添置了一个桑拿蒸汽房，FML

Today, I was told by this big guy from school that I needed to stop stalking his girlfriend, and stop following her home from school. She’s my nei***or. FML
今天，我给学校里面的大块头警告说不要再接近他的女朋友，同时不要从她女朋友家里一直跟着她到学校。貌似他不知道她女朋友是我邻 居。FML

Today, my boyfriend told me his life’s ambition is to become a ninja. He was serious. FML
今天，我的男朋友告诉我他的人生目标是成为一个日 本武士。我看得出他居然是认真的。FML
（嘿嘿，小时候我都想成为超人啦，不过你男朋友多大了）

Today, I asked my husband why he won’t list me as his wife on Facebook. Apparently, it’s because he doesn’t want the high school friends he just reconnected with to know that he married "the biggest geek in the whole school." We went to the same high school. FML
今天，我问我老公为什么在 FACEBOOK上不把我列明是妻子。很显然的，这是因为他不想让他才刚重新联系上的高中同学都知道他娶了当时“全校最大块的畸形人”，我们是同一家高中 的。FML

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage sex lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML
今天，我正乘坐飞机回家，在我的右边，是一个响亮 地打鼾的痴肥修道士，而我的左边是两个老太太正热烈地讨论着他们年轻时候的性经历，而且详细无比的。更不幸的是，这次飞行要17个小时……FML

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can’t talk right now, I’m in a movie theater." and then hung up. I’d called her home phone. FML
今天，我鼓起勇气去约会一个暗恋已久的女孩。当我打电话给她，说明了意图，她立刻回答说：现在不方便说话，我在电影院。然后挂断电话了。我打的是她 家里的固定电话……FML
（原来拒绝别人是需要智慧的）

Today, my husband and I were having sex, and just as I was about to finish he screamed,"Oh shit! It’s 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!" and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML
今天，正跟老公OOXX，我正要丢了的时 候，他大喊“我擦，已经4：15了，我的熊猫被偷了！”然后跳下床去检查开心网牧场了。FML

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML
今天是我生日，我爸妈半夜12点01的时候来到我房间想给我个惊喜。你知道15岁的的人在半夜会干什么么？

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML
今天，我发现那些看起来像是吃夹心饼干掉下来的碎屑，竟然可以发出吱吱嘎嘎声音，而且还有腿儿的。FML

Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

今天我妈走进我屋子，发现我在看一本1978年的花花公子杂志，她问我是不是从地下室里找到的，我说是，然后我发现我妈就是裸体照 片插页里的女郎

Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn’t go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200m from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door I peed my pants. FML
今天，我喝了1.5升的水(1.5公斤，一个可口可乐大炮是1.25升)，9个小时没去厕所。在我坐公共汽车回 家一个小时特艰苦，差点就尿出来，我忍住了；从车站到我家的200米路上巨痛苦，我还是忍住了；当我到我进屋的时候，没忍住...我尿了. FML

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me"Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML
今天，我去超市买了点女人用的玩意，收款台帅哥说：“哥们，知 道这些是女人用的么？”我是女的，今年才30。FML

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful"thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML
今天，冲凉的时候洗发水 用完了，我决心顺手练一下投篮技术，空瓶嗖的一下就进垃圾筐了，而我，因为太兴奋摔了一跤，脑袋开瓢了。

Today, I caught my dad squishing my stick-on bra cups in his hands, trying to figure out what they are. He’s an engineer who graduated from MIT. I still don’t think he knows what they are. FML
今天，发现老爸拿着我的新款BRA在哪里研究 是什么东西，他是MIT毕业的工程师。我怀疑他到现在也没搞清楚。FML

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML
今天，正开着车看到一个很猥琐的男人跟我挥手，我轻蔑的一笑，加大油门呼啸而过，路过时还跟他打了个手势。结果撞上一大 油桶，原来他刚才是准备告诉我这个事的。

Today, I was using a cream to remove the hair from my legs. After I was done, I went on the computer, and a few minutes later I noticed that the same hand I had the cream on was leaning on the side of my head. Now I have a huge bald spot and a party to go to later. FML
今天，给腿上擦了脱毛膏后我就开始很爽的玩电脑了，过了几分钟发现手上还有脱毛膏，而我又用那手撑着 脑袋玩的电脑。现在我脑袋上有个巨大的秃斑，MD待会还有个趴替。FML

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver’s license, not my debit. FML
今天，发现商店收银台的小妞很正点，结帐的时候就拿了最牛逼的一张金卡去刷，结果怎么都刷不出来，后来小妞告诉我：先森你刷的是驾照。FML

今天，在外面吃饭去上厕所都解决完了才发现兜里没纸了电话又在朋友手上从脚下的缝隙看到隔壁有人在当时也没多想直接就说：嘿隔壁的哥们有纸吗？我忘带纸了 能给一张吗？那人没说话上完就走了。我没办法最后的希望都没了后来只有用益达的包装纸擦的~~~~(>_<)~~~~FML

今天，因为昨晚住在隔壁房间的MM经常占用卫生间很长时间，无奈自己拿矿泉水瓶当尿壶，结果早上起床之后随手拿起一瓶喝了一口。。。。FML

今天，趁宿舍阿姨不注意溜进女生宿舍,找他死党聊天,,聊久了忘记时间,到阿姨查房了,一看怎么有个男生,就问"你来做什么"，我十分镇定 从床上随手拿个东西说"我是来借东西的"举起来看卫生巾.....FML

今天，和老婆OOXX，因为技巧太龊(T_T)被老婆嘲 笑，这个时候她刚好放了个屁，她有感而发，哀怨的说“和你ml还不如放屁爽…”FML

今天，深夜在房里偷偷玩,正当我在替 MM换衣服时,
妈妈突然闯进房门.便问:"3更半夜的你在干什么?!"
我尴尬的说:"我在做服装设计.."。FML

今天，上车投币的时候发现前一个乘客投的纸币没投进去，就好心帮忙往里塞一塞，结果半个手卡在投币口拔不出来了，后面还有很多人要上车，全车人围观我， 那个囧啊，真想把手剁了。FML

今天，我去弟弟家吃饭，做的稀饭，里面还有红枣，吃完饭，家眷们就聊天，我和弟弟坐在那里聊天， 小侄子还站在茶几边上吃他自己的那一小碗饭，我看到地下有个枣核，心说这小P孩吃个饭种了一地，于是就捡了起来，结果是陀屎。FML

今天，大便时候把手机掉蹲坑里了，镶嵌在Shit上。不过手机质量过硬，以前进水后烘烘干照样用。但那哥们嫌脏，屁颠颠地接了桶水，“稍微冲冲干净再 拿”，然后悲剧了，手机滑落到洞里，死不瞑目…… FML

大前天把洗面奶当牙膏刷了，好吧，算我倒霉，今天又来了一次。。 FML

今天，回一趟家，打算拿落在家里的金属u盘，结果回公司发现，拿的是打火机，FML

今天，早 上嘘嘘的时候放了一个p，结果，屎崩了，蹑手蹑脚把屎内裤拎出厕所，结果被老妈看到了。FML

今天，出门坐公交，翻了张公交卡就 跟我弟出去了。上车一刷欲二刷时，发现有异，无声，细看原来是借记卡。大囧。司机大叔说，金卡也不能刷着的，更囧的是我俩都没带钱，掩面而逃。。。。。 FML

今天，早上出门，我一手提着早餐，一手提着垃圾，结果把早餐扔了，垃圾留下了......FML

今天，为了同居四年的GF，瞒着家里人考交大管院的研，忍了一年的寂寞，成了状元，还没开学她已经成了同门师兄的女朋友。。。FML

今天，OOXX时，正埋着头冲刺时，看到老婆在拿着PSP看绯闻女孩流口水，FML

Today, at work, I was putting away clothes in the Men’s department, when a guy came and started shopping in the aisle in front of me. He kept staring at me non-stop. Getting fed up, I said"What the fuck are you staring at?" Turns out he was wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. FML
今天，工作的时候，我正在男装部手势一副的时候，一个人进来走到我前面的地方开始挑衣服。他一直盯着我看。我实在 忍不了，就说：“你他妈看什么呢？”原来他是把他的眼睛倒戴在后脑勺上了.FML

暑假的时候在家里看书，准备开学的考试。DD 上突然特别痒，我以为是被蚊子咬的还是怎么回事就找了个风油精抹了抹我靠！@#￥%&*@太爽了没把我疼死……真奇怪，风油精在身上挺爽的在DD 上怎么就那样呢？？囧囧囧囧囧囧囧囧

刚才，我和一哥们儿去买夜宵。我左右手都拿着东西，但钱放在牛仔裤屁股包里。于是我 叫那哥们帮我把钱摸出来。我把屁股一厥，他便把手伸进牛仔裤屁股包里捣鼓。可能是因为裤子太紧，他捣了半天也没把钱弄出来。不知情的人看起来，好像是他正 在对我上下其手，而我却是一副很enjoy的样子。正巧遇到一个认识的MM（也许是腐女），她张大嘴巴指着我们，叫了出来：“你们两个什么时候出柜了？” 周围一群人顿时齐刷刷的投来目光。于是我们被囧得居然一直保持着那个暧昧的pose. FML

失恋了，爸爸就不再安排我 去做饭（平时都是我做）...
问他为什么...他说：“到在你手里不安全...”
fml

午 餐。出去买了只鸡。进入办公室，很大声的说：大家来尝尝我的鸡吧。。
然后很安静。
然后有个女同事实在憋不住了，爆笑

丢不丢脸是我控制不了的，有时它自然而然就发生了。。
因为T恤小透，所以不得不穿上大了的BRA，
公车好多人挤疯 了
然后我发现我的BRA往上移了一点点
。。。算了
司机一个急刹。。。
它整个移位了
也就是， 比如正中间它不在中间了。。。
我当场石化。。

Today, I got a knock on my door at 3AM. Turns out, if I ignore my mother long enough she will assume I have died and will call the cops. FML
今天，凌晨3点钟被破门而入，原来我把我妈忘在门外了，结果她以为我挂在房间里，就报警了。FML

记得小时 候过年，爸妈都在屋里包饺子，我跟隔壁的小朋友们在院子里抓到了一只大老鼠，于是就兴奋的把过年放的春雷（特别大的爆竹）绑在了老鼠身上，然后加长引线点 燃了然后就给放生了，结果...老鼠背着春雷就跑屋里去了........紧接着就是我爸妈拿这擀面杖就出来了。。。

幼儿园时中午睡觉发现床下有一盒五颜六色的糖果，于是把小朋友都叫起来分给她们吃了。大家很开心。
后来那个中午成为了当时我们那里最著名的幼 儿园集体老鼠药中毒事件。
FML

刚上大学的一天，家里人开车送我去学校，然后要下高速路的时候，开车的叔 叔自言自语说：“前面有警察，还是带起。”然后就把安全带扣上了。我当时坐副驾，我妈就在我后面，然后我很大声（我的声音很大）的问叔叔，我用不用戴安全 套？ FML

记得我读六年级那会儿，伊利苦咖啡的广告打得特火。但是那玩意要2块5，对于每天只有一块钱零花钱的小学生非洛 来说，那是一件多么奢侈的东西啊。
终于有一个星期我下决心，三天没吃零食去买了一个伊利苦咖啡，我那叫一个高兴啊，蹦着跳着就舔着雪糕进教室 了。嘴里还唱着：“伊利伊利，伊利伊利。。。”全班同学羡慕的眼光都落在我....的雪糕上。
然后一瞬间我就摔倒了，那个黑色的雪糕正好戳在 我脸上。
FML....

Today, I was at a concert and the guy who was selling the drinks tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free soda. It exploded. FML
今天，在广场上看到一个饮料小子摔倒在我旁边，我跑去帮 忙，还帮他捡了半天饮料，当一切都安顿好后，他送给我一瓶苏打水表示感谢，一切都很顺利，直到苏打水爆炸了。FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML
今天，我发现bf有三个 孩子，而且是三个不同女人的。FML

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML
今天，我老公半夜三点钟就起来，他先把我手上涂上奶油，然后拿根羽毛在我鼻子上搔痒。FML

Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they’d had great sex also. FML
今天，当我从两周的假期中返回家 中时，听到楼上有脚步声，发现我BF在床上光丢丢的趟着，我们很开心的做了爱做的事，直到我发现我的一个好姐妹光丢丢的躲在衣柜里。FML

Today, I was doing my monthly day of laundry. Apparently, I didn’t check all the pockets in my jeans and missed a lighter in a back pocket. The firemen said an exploding drier was the most interesting call they have got this year. FML
今天，做了一整体大扫除，很显然，我掏口袋时候漏了一个打火机在屁股口袋里。消防员说，一部 干衣机爆炸引起的火灾将是本年度最有趣报警。

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I’m at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won’t get hurt. FML
今天，我五岁的女儿告诉我，我上班的时候，她爸爸和他的好朋友梅林达摔跤。她还说他们是在床上摔跤的所以都没受伤。FML

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my nei***ors. FML
今天，我妈妈告诉我，她已经非常 厌烦家里有大麻的气味了。我就向她坦白了，然后告诉她我以后再也不拿回家了。她其实刚刚是在说我的邻居。FML

好了，先粘这么些吧，另外呢，我又手机了一下咱们国内的类似的网站。嘻嘻

http://www.fml001.com/

这是FML的中文网。。。。。

http://jionger.com/index.php?tag=%87%E5%CA%C2&page=1

囧客，暴露你的囧

http://www.qiushibaike.com/groups/2/hottest/day

糗事百科

还有。。。。。。。。最最重要的一点。。

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我是-----> 洛奇的胖子时代